Here, Now

I was in a business, helping.

There was a gated area into which I wanted access.

I had gone there before and it worked well for me.

I went back and found a cart, simple in design, with an odd cloth reaching from its center up onto the gate, right in front of my entrance.

I couldn’t get in.  It was vitally important that I get in, and the pusher of the cart was not going to move.

A man who was in charge, and who was also my father, came along.  I started to tell him that I needed to get into the gated area.  His words overcame mine and he explained, for what seemed five whole minutes, why I 

could not go into the gated area. 

I was growing increasingly frustrated as each moment passed, his voice in the background, creating anxiety where he meant to restore order.  The words blurred as my vision turned red.

Finally, he asked me to his office to discuss the matter.

By this time, I was so annoyed that he wouldn’t listen to me that I laughed at the idea of a discussion.  Why, I thought, do I need to meet with him?!  If only, he would just listen to me!

En-route to his office, we passed another woman, pregnant and trying to carry a large sink.  I told her that if she waited a moment, I would help her.  The man who was in charge, and who was also my father, scolded her, saying, ‘Take it away!’  The words, I thought were harsh, given the woman was pregnant after all and the sink huge.

She asked what he was doing, to which he replied he was going to meet with me for about an hour and a half.    I laughed, saying, ‘I think not!’  The conversation, I thought, could have taken three minutes if he only would have listened to me!  I intended not to spend an hour and a half talking with him!!

I entered the office, small and crowded, to wait while he instructed the pregnant woman on what to do with the sink.

-----------------------------

I awoke in a full state of frustration!  The answer was so obvious and so simple! 

‘Had the man who was in charge and who was also my father just listened to me, I would not be so damn aggravated!’

‘If only he would just have listened!’

‘If only you had just listened.’

‘I could have told him what needed to be done in 30 seconds and be done with it!’

‘But, what was he saying?’

‘What?’

‘What was he saying?’

‘I, uhhh, I don’t know.  I didn’t hear him.’

‘But why?  He was speaking clearly.  He was trying to communicate with you.’

‘I didn’t hear him…I was so frustrated…I wasn’t listening.’

'………….'

‘I wanted things to be different.  I had an idea.  It worked.’

‘But, it wasn’t your shop.  Could you see the big picture?  Did you know everything involved in how the universe operated through that shop and those people?’

‘………..no.’

‘Could you then be prescient about the role you were being asked to play?  Is it possible that they needed something different than you were trying to push?’

‘…………’

‘Why must you get to the other side always?  Can you just be here, now?  Can you take the time to see, really see, just exactly where you are?  To hear the words, spoken and unspoken?  To look into the eyes and take in the souls?’

Fear and Grace

I have been feeling like this blog is somewhere in between a void and nowhere.

  When I write, though the numbers tell me some have perused my words, I don't know who.
  It is so entirely impersonal.
  I believed that I couldn’t share my deepest thoughts or feelings with total
  strangers...

Having reached this realization,

  I stopped writing all but the most inconsequential drivel.  
  I haven't written, really, since arriving here,
  but to tell the events and passings of the days.

I feel the need, now, to write.


And, I am intrigued with writing into the nothingness,
  curious about the strangers who may pass by,
  wondering if there is life out there beyond the cold,
  impersonal  touch of this keyboard and the blank screen  staring back at me.

I’ll take the risk and speak honestly,

  in part because I want to write and this is a blank page,  
 but also because I wonder if there are others out there
 who feel these things, struggle to find meaning,
 strive to live in that meaning,
 and wonder,
 ever, 
 if they took the wrong path.

Read only if you wish to hear real,

  touch deeply, and perhaps
  sense your own soul  in the words I share.

What lies heavy on my heart

  is fear.

It has been with me for some days now,

  creeping upon me in the dark of night,
  swallowing my dreams and leaving black emptiness.

And then that ruthless and unrelenting mistress of my ruin returns

  to bear upon my soul all my failings,
  to shout the idiocracy of my dreams,
  to remind me, once again, that I am aging,
  to laugh bitterly at the opportunities lost,
   the foolishness of my pursuit,
   and the vulnerability of my person.

Of late, she adds to her repertoire the suggestion that

  perhaps my carefully laid plans and work to prepare me to
  follow this dream were, in fact,
  wrong.

I am frightened,

  aware of my total aloneness in this life,
  frightened that, perhaps, I made the wrong decisions,
  that I don’t have what it takes to walk this path,
  that the offerings I bring to bear are not needed,
  not wanted.

When I can quiet myself, I hear whispers…

'Take a breath;

  walk;  
  remember yoga and its healing power;
  give yourself time;
  create a sacred space.’

‘You have come this far.

  Don’t stop now.
  Be present.
  Give it a chance.
  You have dreamed of this since you were a child.
  You just started.  You just started.’

All that sounds too hard.

  I don’t feel well, I don’t have the energy.
  I want to curl up into a ball and sleep,
   hide in a movie,
   stay in my room,
   sleep, sleep.
  That sounds good.
  That sounds like what I need, want.

‘It is true.

  There are many things you are not, and can never be.
  But, it’s not over yet.
  You dared to dream.
  Dare now to stand on the path you forged.
  Look around you,
  breath the air,
  touch what lies before you.


'Ask what you have to share in this moment
   and then offer it.
  It is that simple.
  Allow it to unfold.
  Allow.’

And, if I’m wrong?

  If I can’t find a place?
  If I don’t have what it takes?
  If there isn’t any value to what I offer?
  If my body fails me?

What then?

What then?!

I don’t have an answer to these questions.

  Even pondering them brings up more fears,
   like that of being a failure,
   of not being able to provide for myself,
   of being a failure…oh right, I said that already.

Those of you who know me, know that I’ve

  asked these questions many times in many ways.

Always, that wise part of my soul

  seeks to counsel me, comfort me, guide me,
   show me wisdom.

Always the child wants to run and hide,

  or scream and shout,
  or blame others
  or be the victim…

But, mostly she wants love and safety.

We all have our own path,

  that which can be walked by no other.
  So, in a very real sense, we are all alone in this journey.

And, we each carry within us the beast that wants to drag us into the abyss.

  But, we also carry the grace within us to love and tame the rampages of that beast;
   to reveal it for what it really is,
    a frightened child;
   and to find peace, even if only temporary,
   within our war torn souls.

I pray for peace for my self tonight,

  and for all those who
  feel the burning in their stomachs,
  the tears on their cheeks,
  and the hunger of their souls
  when they read these words
  and feel them as their own.

Hoi An and the Flu

I just returned from a beautiful little coastal town, Hoi An.  The city is extremely vulnerable to, and is already feeling the impacts of, climate change.  My colleague is doing a project with the city to assist them in their endeavors to create an eco-city - green, friendly, safe...
It is a tourist town - like others you would expect to see - with an old town, lots of stores and restaurants.  At first, I was turned off by it, feeling like capitalism had landed its ugly marks on this quaint little town.  But, as I looked more deeply, I discovered that the shops were all run by local artisans who made the goods they sold.  There are beautiful things here, cloth being one of the primary products.  There are many tailors here, who make your clothes to fit at prices that you could never find in America.  There are wood crafts people, carving ornate figures and silk makers.  And in the center of the town, there is a huge open market where they sell every kind of vegetable and meat you can imagine, plus more!
The twin impacts of climate change and poverty make this little community extremely vulnerable, but they have big visions and are employing the resources they have in the best way they know to adapt to the dangers and develop sustainably.  It is an inspiration!
So, if your travel plans include a trip to Viet Nam, you must visit Hoi An and while you support local artisans, you can enjoy the festivities day and night, ride a bicycle to the beach and float down the river on a traditional Vietnamese boat!
My only regret is that on my second day there, I got the flu.  So, I spent almost the entire trip in bed!  Oh well...what you gonna do?  I was happy to discover this little burg and am happy to be back home so I can get over this bug!
my love to you all!
k

Walking Through Water....Again

This weekend is my second experience with very high humidity.  The humidity presents me with a very interesting conundrum!  We have a saying in the US that goes something like, 'Discretion is the better part of valor.'  My (limited) experience in Viet Nam is that discretion is not just an honorable way to act, but a strong cultural expectation.  Here's the next piece.  To dry your clothes, you have to hang them outside in places that are usually public, take my room for example.  Now, the question...how do you dry your underwear....outside...discretely?  AND, how do you dry them  when, by hanging them outside, they actually absorb the humidity and become saturated???
The answer I have discovered...you iron everything!!  Yes, including your underwear!  And, then you hang all your clothes everywhere possible in your room and plan on ironing them again later in the day...in part, to dry the moisture they absorbed whilst hanging to dry!
It's quite humorous, actually!  And, I imagine, were I to tell a Vietnamese woman of my laundry adventures, she would have a hearty - though highly discrete - laugh!  I think, in general, I provide some smiles to my Vietnamese friends, who very politely watch me struggling the simplest of things.  And being, as I am, spoiled by western amenities, there are many basics of life that I am just learning!
Anyway, another topic!  Today, after ironing my clothes, I had lunch with my friend.  After lunch, she taught me how to drive a moto!  It was actually really easy and I had a blast!  So, I have a helmet, a poncho and the confidence to take to the streets!  Now, it's a matter of finding my Hanoi Harley!
I wish you at least three good belly laughs today and a couple dozen smiles!
k

Welcome to My Home!

A friend wondered recently if I was feeling homesick.  The answer was so immediate and clear to me.  I am not homesick.  I am home.  I miss my loved ones, that's definitely true.  But, I am not  homesick.
I can create home wherever I am, and I'm learning to create it with less and less focus on material belongings.  I am so grateful to my good friends Cate and Chuck for giving me the chance to practice living entirely in one room.  Of course, I had access to the rest of the house, but I purposefully confined my belongings to my room - a way of living in a small purse, I guess!
So, here I take living simply to another level as you will see in the pictures.  I have everything I need here, and more.  I am blessed.  I am at home.  And, I am grateful for all these many gifts....the love and compassion shared with me by others, I mean...not the material belongings.
I hope you enjoy your brief stay in my little home and I hope you feel as welcome and honored as I am made to feel everyday that I am here in Vietnam!
much love

k

Fighting the Consumerism Addiction

Hello.  My name is Kristen and I am a Consumer Addict.  I am in recovery, though it is a daily struggle as the temptations are multiple and around me all the time.
There is a story from my childhood that I remember when the urge to buy becomes too strong.  I share that with you in hopes that - from one addict to another - it may be of some help to you.
When I was a child, my mother carried a purse everywhere she went.  I quickly learned that magic things came out of the purse, like gum sticks and hard candy.  As I grew, I noted that my mother's purse kept changing.  New purses replaced old purses so that her collection of purses continued to grow.  That, albeit a sure sign of consumerism, however, was not what 'caught my eye'.  Rather, it was the fact that ever more treasures and stuff could be found in that purse, stuff belonging not only to her, but to me and my brothers and my father...  I need only ask - a budding consumerism skill - and it would appear from deep within the recesses of that purse.
By the time I was a teenager, the purse, once small and easily carried in the crux of her arm, was now the size of a small suitcase.  A huge purse like that was required to carry all the things my mother had collected.  And, the purse itself had become a burden, too  big to tuck under her arm and so heavy it required not one, but two, straps around her shoulder.
At some point, perhaps in my late teens, the whole situation started to seem quite bizarre to me.  'Why', I wondered, 'must my mother carry such a huge luggage/purse?'  'What is in there anyway?'  And, 'does she really need all that stuff?'
As I searched for answers to these questions, I started to come into my own understanding of the subtle, yet ever so powerful, grasp of consumerism on each moment of our day and every aspect of our lives.  We are literally programmed into it from the time we are born.  But, like the most powerful of propaganda ploys, it's true essence is never revealed to us.  We are taught to be blind, to just buy, to add more and more to our 'purse', never questioning why, or whether we need it, or what the consequences for someone else might be if we succumb to the addiction and buy it...
So, at that young age, I made a decision that I would never allow myself to fall into the 'bigger purse' syndrome.  I decided that if I couldn't fit 'it' into my small purse, then I didn't need it.  This forced me to stay aware of, and to consciously consider, the relative values of 'things'.  It helped me to emerge from the dark oblivion of 'buy, buy, buy'.  To this day, those of you who know me know that I carry the smallest of purses.
And the lesson has been important for the rest of my life.  Like now, I have my own room.  The addict in me wants to fill it.  And, I caught myself delightedly spending, spending, spending the last couple weeks as the addict found its vise.  But, then I remembered the purse story and it stopped me.  It gave me pause and helped me to gain perspective so that I could once again act from my center and my beliefs, not according to this deep-set addiction.
I think I will always be a consumerism addict, but I am in recovery, as I hope many are.  So, I offer this not in jest or to be sarcastic, but from a very real place deep in my soul/spirit that recognizes the tenuous nature of life on this planet and the need for us all to contribute to that life...for all people, not just those of us, who by accident of birth, have access to more than so many others.
my love to you all
k

A Day Off

Hello all!
I decided to take today to myself...to do exactly what I wanted...no chores except to buy water - a necessity and no work (though I'm feeling guilty!).
I discovered a wonderful restaurant on the lake and had a great lunch with my friends.  Then, I borrowed some movies from said friend to veg with back home.  Then, I went to the local yoga studio and learned all about their classes, etc.  Finally, I bought a mat (just like the one I have at home) and a carrying bag (made by people with disabilities and sold through a NGO).  Oh yeah, I borrowed a helmet from my friend as well.
I have a new moto driver - until I start driving myself.  They are called Saoms.  This gentleman knows and looks for me when I walk out the university gate.  Though I love rides on his bike, I don't like using his helmet, so now I have one of my own!  I am going to learn to drive a moto on Saturday.
All in all, a very nice day!
Now, I'm going to kick back and watch movies and relax.
This is a wonderful country, with many wonderful people.  I have nothing about which to complain and much about which to be thankful!  Yes....I am deeply grateful.
k

Week III...Already?

It's hard to believe it's already been three weeks.  The time is flying by!  The last couple weeks, I've been working full time on my contract with the university.  I've also been learning about life in the most densely packed city in the world.
One day, I went off (the university) campus for breakfast.  My mistake was in going at 7:30am.  As I approached an intersection of a minor street, I saw traffic jammed up so tightly, even a pedestrian couldn't get through.  There was no 'right' side of the street - cars and motos pointed every direction...and they were at a dead stop even as more vehicles piled in behind and around them.  There was a solitary policeman in the thick of it, whistling and pointing to get some movement.  And this was the intersection of a minor street!  It was so amazing that I stood there for 15 minutes just watching.  Eventually, I had to wade into the chaos as my restaurant was on the other side of the jam.  I literally had to climb over some moto tires and weave my way around the stalled vehicles.  It was amazing.  I learned that all the intersections were like that.
Then, as I walked down to the restaurant, I had to make way for motos that spilled onto the sidewalk.  There was hardly room for me to walk as the motos were speeding and filling up the entire sidewalk!
So, now I know - don't go out during high traffic hours!
On another note - the bouquet given me by the president is now blooming...huge pink/red lillies!  Perhaps I can get a picture when it gets light out.
my best to you all!

A Visit from the President

I have finished work on my second major product for HCMA and was relaxing in my sweats watching Pirates of the Caribbean when I got a call from my colleague, Duc.
He was coming over with the President of the University who wanted to meet me in my room?!  15 minutes later, I was dressed professionally again, Pirates was turned off and my work was on the computer screen.
They came by and Duc ushered the president into my room in a very formal way....followed by the most beautiful bouquet of flowers I had ever seen...and huge!
The president very formally offered me the flowers and spoke of his gratitude for my coming to HCMA.  We exchanged some kind words and smiles and then I offered him the only thing I had - some Ghirardelli Chocolate...hardly worth mentioning next to the bouquet!
His parting words were that if I had any problems whatsoever that I should call him personally.Then he left...with me holding a huge bouquet of flowers, honored, excited, worried that I had not said or acted in the appropriate ways to show him honor and thanks and very happy!
I thought only after he left that I should have asked him for a picture.  Oh well, next time.  I do have a pictures of the flowers, however!

walking through water

The humidity here is absolutely amazing!  And Oregonians thought we had lots of moisture!!  The humidity is so high here that my bathroom floor is perpetually wet...not moist, but puddles of water!  The covers of my books are curling and the paste that holds the paper to the binding is not working?!  The binding is coming loose of the paper?!
Little wonder it took so long for my clothes to dry...or that it is so incredibly beautiful here!
ok - as half the world sleeps, I prepare to relax and read...

Hello from Ha Noi!

It is a stunning day here in Vietnam - 82, sunny with a light wind...absolutely gorgeous!  It is also International Women's Day - happy day to all you women!  You deserve this day!  And more like it!!!
This is my first post since arriving.  Much has happened in the last week and a half.  Upon my arrival, I stayed at a hotel to get through the worst part of jet lag.  A few days later, I came to HCMA - the university with which I have a contract - and moved into my room.
I spent the last week settling in, shopping for pillows and rugs and towels and cleaning my room.  My room also serves as my office, which I really appreciate as I can work or sleep as I see fit!  The room feels very good now, like home.  Actually, it is home!
People here are so kind and gracious...they bring me flowers, fruit, coffee, towels...all kinds of stuff to help me feel at home.  I can truly say that the Vietnamese people I've met are WONDERFUL!
I started working right away and am now deeply immersed in analyzing curricula and consulting on the writing of a book.  The work is exciting, exactly what I love to do - research, read, write and research more!
As simple as my lifestyle was in the states, it is even more simple here.  I do my own laundry here, by hand in a tub and then hang it to dry.  This weekend was really funny.  It rained all weekend so I couldn't get my laundry dry.  Finally, with clothes hanging all over my room, I decided to iron them dry.  After the second ironing, I had dry clothes!  I've learned to take advantage of the weather, so did more laundry this morning and have them hanging in the sun.  Hopefully, these will dry much more quickly!
There's so much more...but I'll save it for another day.
btw - if you are reading this, please post.  It's kind of lonely out here in blog land.  I don't know if anyone is reading my posts or if I'm just sending my thoughts somewhere into cyberspace!
love to all!