What does it mean, I wonder,
when the dream you have had your entire life
does not match what your body will tolerate?
Does it mean the dream was out of whack?
Or that your body is out of whack?
Is it a cruel trick of the gods to send one
into the dark abyss of 'then, why am I here, if not for this?'
Or, is it part and parcel of the journey?
The evidence is overwhelming and entirely consistent,
starting clear back in May when I found myself on an IV in a health clinic bed,
suffering from severe dehydration and heat exhaustion,
and continuing through my brief walk home from the store today
and the massive reaction my body had to the temperature and humidity.
I thought, perhaps, I could beat this thing,
or outsmart it with my AC and water gluttony.
But, it seems that my body grows more intolerant
of the heat and humidity each day.
It reacts immediately and fiercely when I step foot outside my door.
Three hours outside one weekend left me sick in bed for a week.
So, it's real.
The sensitivity to heat and humidity that has plagued me since childhood has not been outgrown,
cannot be outsmarted and will be ignored at my own peril.
I live now in my AC room 24/7 with brief jaunts outside for food.
I can open my balcony door for up to 1/2 hour
with the AC running before the heat becomes intolerable.
I thank God that the work I've been asked to do has required me to write and research,
which I can do from the safety of my AC room.
But, the reality of the matter is finally sinking in.
And, perhaps I'm finally listening.
No matter how much I dream or wish or get angry or...
my body will not tolerate the heat and humidity.
This physical limitation means that there are many things
I can not do in the development field and,
for that matter, in developing countries.
If you look, you'll note than many of them are located in hot and humid climes.
I don't know what to do with all this just yet.
There is a lump in my throat and my eyes are clouded.
To see clearly can be so very painful...
when the dream you have had your entire life
does not match what your body will tolerate?
Does it mean the dream was out of whack?
Or that your body is out of whack?
Is it a cruel trick of the gods to send one
into the dark abyss of 'then, why am I here, if not for this?'
Or, is it part and parcel of the journey?
The evidence is overwhelming and entirely consistent,
starting clear back in May when I found myself on an IV in a health clinic bed,
suffering from severe dehydration and heat exhaustion,
and continuing through my brief walk home from the store today
and the massive reaction my body had to the temperature and humidity.
I thought, perhaps, I could beat this thing,
or outsmart it with my AC and water gluttony.
But, it seems that my body grows more intolerant
of the heat and humidity each day.
It reacts immediately and fiercely when I step foot outside my door.
Three hours outside one weekend left me sick in bed for a week.
So, it's real.
The sensitivity to heat and humidity that has plagued me since childhood has not been outgrown,
cannot be outsmarted and will be ignored at my own peril.
I live now in my AC room 24/7 with brief jaunts outside for food.
I can open my balcony door for up to 1/2 hour
with the AC running before the heat becomes intolerable.
I thank God that the work I've been asked to do has required me to write and research,
which I can do from the safety of my AC room.
But, the reality of the matter is finally sinking in.
And, perhaps I'm finally listening.
No matter how much I dream or wish or get angry or...
my body will not tolerate the heat and humidity.
This physical limitation means that there are many things
I can not do in the development field and,
for that matter, in developing countries.
If you look, you'll note than many of them are located in hot and humid climes.
I don't know what to do with all this just yet.
There is a lump in my throat and my eyes are clouded.
To see clearly can be so very painful...
No comments:
Post a Comment